Unmasking 3 Hidden Saboteurs of True Rest

And How to Release Them

"Are you ok with jazz?"

"Sure, that's fine."

Dear reader, it wasn’t. But, that was the last thing I'd say before gliding into the cold MRI tube where I'd spend the next thirty minutes trying not to think about every inch of my body that wanted to move, the reason I was in this tube in the first place, or my growing certainty that I really, really don't like jazz.

I came out of that tube with two realizations: First, I should probably work on that people-pleasing thing. In those few moments between the technician's question and my compliant response, my mind raced through all the scenarios. If I say no, does that mean no music at all? That seems worse. She’s the expert right? They've probably done some big peer-reviewed study on the perfect MRI jazz soundtrack. Better just go with it and not get her behind schedule by asking about my options.

Second, it's fascinating how lying still in a tube could be the exact opposite of restful. I mean, it's literally lying down and breathing – I've been training all my life for this moment. I consider myself a professional at lying flat and breathing easily. Yet afterward, I felt like I'd just been through a grueling, mind-scrambling test and needed to go, …well, lie down.

It made me think about three sneaky elements that steal our ability to truly rest. Understanding these rest stealers helps us spot them more quickly and keep them from draining our precious energy reserves.

1. Over-responsibility*: Who is actually responsible for this?

I went back and forth on whether to call this "over-responsibility" or "people-pleasing." I chose over-responsibility because it better captures how this shows up in our lives. It's not just about being a pushover or a doormat – it's about taking ownership of things we aren't actually responsible for.

I wasn't responsible for the technician's feelings about my music preferences. That’s her jazzy business. I wasn't responsible for keeping them on schedule, either. Yet I assumed asking about other music options would somehow derail their day and it was up to me, alone, to make sure everything went according to a plan that was not my business.

Most women feel responsible for everything because of how we've been socialized: impossible beauty standards, being likable, career success, how our homes and children look, workplace harmony, keeping everyone around us safe and happy, relationship health – and that's just the starter list. This leaves us either micromanaging everything (exhausting) or feeling overwhelmed and helpless because it’s an impossible ask (also exhausting).

*I learned so much about the idea of over-responsibility from Feminist Life Coach, Kara Lowentheil. You can learn more about her and her book here: https://www.takebackyourbrainbook.com/

2. Uncertainty: The Space Between Control and Possibility

Here's the bad news about uncertainty: our nervous systems hate it. This makes perfect sense – it's harder to keep us safe when we can't predict what's coming next. In that MRI tube, I had no idea how much time was passing or what concerning sound would start reverberating off of the walls inches away from my body.

Just one more piece of bad news about uncertainty before, I promise, it gets better. Uncertainty is part of nature and so are we. Unpredictable change is inevitable.

But here's the good news: that unknown space is where we often find magic, possibility, and enchantment. It’s where creativity is born. The things that make life meaningful and rich often emerge from the chaos of the unknown. The storm before the calm. The deepest parts of the ocean where organisms beyond our imagination thrive. Yes, uncertainty is challenging (hence all those Hail Marys I recited in the tube), but when we loosen our grip just a little, we sometimes discover something we couldn’t have imagined on our own with our certainties, even if it’s just a new trust in our resilient spirits.

3. Comparison: The gateway to “should”

Am I the only one who experiences a little guilt when watching Skyrizi commercials? (If you don’t know what I mean, you can pause here and look it up, but I bet you can get the point without the reference anyway:) I mean I am not doing even one-tenth of the activities these happy adults are getting up to out there, and I don’t even have plaque-psoriasis to hold me back. Sure, I did run into a cold ocean with my best friends back in November, glowing smiles and all. But I've spent the month and a half since then mostly bundled up in sweatpants, leaving the couch only for grocery runs and necessary appointments.

When I start thinking I should be more like the commercial – more adventurous, more outdoorsy, more "living out loud" – my energy plummets. Even the way I spend my free time doesn't seem to measure up. Instead of some invigorating physical hobby or creative side hustle, I'm enjoying what our culture would term "lazy" activities.

Lucky for me, Dr. Devon Price provides a prescription for this kind of laziness guilt in his book, Laziness Does Not Exist: “Research actually supports the notion that our ‘lazy’ feelings are protective and instructive. Our lives can improve when we stop judging our desire for idle time and start trusting those feelings instead.”

Looking for ways we aren’t measuring up in comparison to others is baked into our biology. It’s that pesky survival mechanism again. So, let’s not turn that into yet another thing we “shouldn’t” do. When we notice comparison, we can understand it as a misguided attempt to thrive. We can stop it before it turns into an energy-draining “should” by applying the simple practice below.

A Simple Practice for Reclaiming Rest

When you notice these rest stealers at work, try this two-step practice:

1. Start with self-compassion – generously applied in thick layers. Talk to yourself like you would a beloved child or pet. What hurts about this situation? Take a breath and respond to yourself like a loving godmother who knows exactly what you need to hear. Go over the top with sweet, kind self-talk. And then, when you’re ready, try the next step.

2. Follow with gentle curiosity. Explore what's really happening:

- What am I making myself responsible for that might not be mine to carry?

- Where do I actually have control, and what am I already doing well in those areas?

- If my differences from others were neutral instead of loaded with judgment, how would my story about this comparison change? What would that story sound like if my differences were a strength?

That MRI tube taught me that forced stillness isn't the same as true relaxation. Real rest comes when we release the weight of over-responsibility, make peace with uncertainty, and stop comparing our rest to everyone else's.

with love,

Tricia

P.S. My go-to kind self-talk includes gentle reminders like "You're doing great, sweetheart" and "It's ok to take a break. You can trust yourself."

What loving words come to mind when you need permission to rest? If this is hard to think of for yourself, what would you say to a dear friend?

Share your self-talk scripts in the comments - we could all use a few more ways to be tender with ourselves. I'll add them to a little library of “rest and renewal self-talk scripts” as a bonus digital treat for subscribers this month.